Last week, a family member of mine crossed over to the other side, leaving behind many remembering and celebrating her life. During this time, I was unable to physically attend the service to bid her goodbye. I was dealing with an additional grief from within. The loss of a part of my physical womb. As I write this, I hesitate to even write this blog. Death serves as yet another reminder of the brevity of life and that each moment does count. Even if it doesn’t count for anyone else, it counts in whatever way is authentic to our own self.
Something so personal but if in sharing, it can be used to further awaken another deeper to their own true self.. perhaps this blog post might have a purpose. Endometriosis…….. my constant companion since the blessing of my cycles began. Then came more companions…… fibroids….adenomyosis….. and then finally the outcome that really made me look at the various cages I had placed myself in…. dysfunctional uterine bleeding…. prolonged and heavy…. literally draining my life source.
The excruciating monthly pains, the impact on my entire soul in more ways than I can count both physically and emotionally, is too much to write on one blog post. Suffering can either break you or make you stronger they say. Certainly the pain broke me many a time when I had to care for others and take care of their pain, whilst still being present to what was arising from within and caring for my own self. But this time, the call of my body to me was so strong that I could no longer use willpower to direct it and try I did but the universe had other plans for me. Surgery was the result.
I remember hearing a talk by Gabor Mate where he talked about the impact of not dealing with emotional pain and how it can manifest into disease… and he mentioned endometriosis. When I look back at the past, I remember even as a child, trying to train myself not to feel my emotions as it was unacceptable. Any huge outbursts were unacceptable or judged. Being vulnerable was a weakness. Emotions were too “emotional”. Of course with no place to go, the deep emotions would eventually be stuffed into my unconscious and forgotten or so I thought. They would later be triggered by various relationships but were only dealt with superficially until I eventually came to the realisation, it was never about anyone else but my own unintegrated self.
My body never forgot though. My body never forgot the pain of feeling unloved, it never forgot that feeling of great disconnection within or the many untrue “stories” I made up about myself or my life. Life grew busy over the years. Work, relationships, conflicts, marriage, a child and the endless list goes on. My body never forgot though and persistently tried to nudge me on every occasion. Every time I refused to listen to the inner call and made myself busier because there “wasn’t enough time” to be with myself, it was ‘boring to do nothing” or it was unbearable to sit with the silence of being “me”. Until like a rage that couldn’t be suppressed anymore, I began to bleed. I bled and bled until I felt my life source draining out of me. Medications couldn’t stop my womb and she bled profusely and cried, shedding tears of red blood, crying out for me. Crying out for the part of me which I had shut down and forgotten to hear because the voices of others had been more important than mine for so long from days of yore in childhood, following through into my adult life. I couldn’t even hear the world around me as my womb shed furious tears of rage of not being heard. So many old programs in my unconscious came to the surface as I bled…. feelings of lack of control, helplessness, being a burden… I could no longer help… I needed help myself. The medications impacted me on so many levels…no amount of meditation or will power could manage the fury of my womb. I had to stop and so finally I heeded the call of my womb to stop. I couldn’t be there for anyone whilst my bleeding empath’s cup was empty.
That’s when I had the surgery to remove that part of the uterine tissue that was bleeding but my heart ached for myself. How had I let myself get to this point? Not consciously but certainly somewhere along the way I had stopped truly living in alignment with my own authentic voice. I had let myself get stuck in the system… the educational system…. the parenting system… the cultural system… all the beliefs of society…. and not living my own truth and what was that? What is that truth? I asked my body repeatedly what I needed to hear as she mercilessly hounded me with her bleeding. “What do you want me to release?” I forgave everyone and everything including myself. I released as best as I could all ideas and beliefs that did not serve me and still I bled. On the day of the surgery after almost 8 weeks or more, of endless bleeding, my womb went quiet and hardly a drop spilt as though she knew that a part of her was about to be removed and the war was temporarily stopped. Once the surgery was over, I wept as a mother would over losing a child. I had lost the ability to birth another but the loss went deeper. Yes, the energy of my womb space was still whole and intact but something irrevocable happens when you lose a part of your tissue. A deeper part of you feels removed somehow. My 4 year old saw the tears on my face and when I told her I was feeling sadness over that part of my womb which had been removed, she drew me a picture of herself and me holding hands and told me that it was ok. That I could create a new womb now. A new, healthy and happy womb. The wisdom of her 4 year old self, made the tears fall more. That same wisdom was once inside of me and still is. The healthiest happiest womb version of me would create a safe place to share the strength of being vulnerable with others and on this page I write so that perhaps someone reading this might remember the next time, we choose to distract our self with anything… that bottle of alcohol, stare at the internet or phone for the millionth time.. to distract our self from the pain within or veer to any other addiction we have to avoid the pain, it only comes back in order to heal.