A restless energy arises within me tonight and so I know that I must write. That inner call to put words to paper can’t be resisted anymore. My logical mind speaks to me about the loss in melatonin that will result from this late ushering into my sleep but I feel as though I need to cross through my self-imposed cage of rules of timing to answer the call of my soul. My soul has patiently been waiting for me to learn lessons over the last few months in order for me to write. For in writing, I share and in sharing, I reinforce the lessons learnt to myself so that I may live them truly and completely.
What if I have been living my world upside down? I watched my daughter hang upside down on a tree branch today as she revelled in the joy of the very movement and I wondered whether I have been living my life upside down for the last several decades. What if everything I complained about, criticised, felt was suffering and pain was actually a result of me hanging upside down in a world of joy, ease and light? After my journey several months ago, in order to flip myself back up to standing, I have been practising gratitude. Practising gratitude for all the moments. My muscles for gratitude have needed a fair bit of a workout. They had become lax from disuse. I had worked them superficially but not to any great depth. I would utter the word thank you often from politeness or from habit or because it was expected but did I truly feel it? Certainly there were times I truly felt it in my heart but did I always truly sincerely feel it? If not, why not?
We soak up several unconscious programs over the years. The programs of suffering, pain, fear, lack of freedom for instance, but we also soak in programs of joy, love, friendship, peace, laughter and abundance. In any given moment of breath, we get to choose. We can in fact actually choose joy before we experience it. We can in fact choose freedom before we experience it. Once we choose whatever we decide on, we can then give gratitude for it and look for the evidence of what we desire as being already true. Over the last few months as I have taught myself patience and built up my true inner gratitude muscles for moments such as doing dishes or the acknowledgement of myself, people and ALL events in my life, I realise now more than ever, what I focus on grows.
Tonight, I am grateful for myself. Grateful for this body which has served me in countless ways when I am awake and asleep. I am grateful for everything it has done for me and in finally acknowledging this beautiful, kind, loving body which has given me so much I can at last truly acknowledge all beauty in my life. I can finally see that everything has been working perfectly in a way far greater than I can imagine. In my last blog, I wrote about the suffering experienced but in that suffering, the greatest release occurred for me on countless levels. I stepped out of various cages that had bound me. I was able to finally receive. Receive in countless ways. Receive in joyful ways. Receive in trust. Receive in patience. Receive in vulnerability. Receive in gratitude. Receive in freedom. Receive in love. Receive as a gift. Receive in self-trust. Receive in abundance. So much abundance that I have wondered if it was even possible to receive this much. Had I not experienced what I had in terms of bodily dis-ease, I would not have been able to re-experience my health in far wider ways than I could have imagined. Flipping my life script back to its original direction of ease, joy and laughter through gratitude has been pivotal to reconnecting within. With it has come many joyous memories of childhood filled with love that I had forgotten, so much nourishment and support that I had forgotten, buried within and had to dig back out again as well as my natural ability to laugh, trust with an open heart and be clear on what resonated and what did not. I still flip upside down in my own world but now I know that when I am not in alignment with my joy, I just have to flip back up with gratitude. With each flip back, another illusionary cage is shed and a wall of armour peeled back. I have finally come home to myself. The self I had missed and yearned for so long. Home truly is where the heart is. Thank you heart. At long last I know how to be free again.